Why don’t you move here, and then you’d have a bigger place Do you like it here Butsighs I mean, I don’t fit in here just straight up body type. Like, in L.A., my arms register as legs. They’re just like laughter laughter They’re like, Why is that octopus on Sunset Is that laughter It’s not it’s not for me out here. No It’s not, no. But Iyou know. What do you do when you’re here I cry. I just sit in my room. laughter Bawling.
No, I Well, last time I was here, right from the show, I got courtside tickets to a Laker game. That’s fun. Yeah, ’cause my my business agent thought I was mad at him for sexually harassing me. Well But no, I’m 33, so I’m just starting to really appreciate that, you know what I mean I see, I see. Well, it’s true. I can’t speak for everyone. I’m not like Sexually harass but, in your 20s, I feel like you walk around like you’ll walk past a construction site,.
And be kind of like, Oh, don’t look But then, in your 30s, you know, I’m just like, What about this laughter Like, how about laughter It’s like my skirt’s over my head. I’m like, Aah. laughter They’re like, We’re eating. But, uh laughter laughter It changes, it really does. It changes, so So I got courtside seats, whichyou’ve sat courtside at a game, right I have, yeah. I thoughtI went I thought it would be free booze. Um. laughter It’s not, it’s not. laughter I guess you have to be on the team to get free booze.
The Unbelievably Hilarious Amy Schumer
So. laughs I go, I get randomly seated next to Dianna Agron. You know, the actress. She was on Glee. She played the cheerleader, Quinn I mean, that lets you know how hot she is. Yeahoh, there we go. There’s the picture. Thanks foryes. Isn’t that great laughter She’s like the most gorgeous girl ever. Her name was Quinn on that show. To pull off that name Yeah. Like if my name were Quinn on a show, they’d be like, Oh, the jolly Irish groundskeeper, that laughter.
Does a jig time and again, you know. But so she’s there. Is she not like an angel Soand the whole night, she’s like, She’s like this. ’cause she knows people are taking pictures of her. I obviously don’t. laughter I learned a lot. I learned that my resting face, is just a scowl, is just laughter laughter And I learnedand you can see that I have what I’m now calling an atrisk chin. laughter This is not a good section! laughter If Iif I don’t, like keep it at sea level, it just doubles itself, just.
Laughter I become the dinosaur in the jeep in Jurassic Park, just Fff! laughter So I’m likeno idea people are taking pictures. I’m pounding red wine, and I I thought it was free and I laughter I get red wine teeth right out the gate, you know Like, just first sniff of merlot, just True Blood mouth. I look like I’ve been feeding, and I’m eating popcorn, the way I think we all eat popcorn, which is you know, at first, don’t you always kind of start out kind of like lying to yourself.
Like, I don’t know, I’ll have a little. Ehm. laughter Like one piece at a time, you know And thenand then, like, you get a little more real. Right laughter and then eventually, you justyou get real real. And just gah! laughter Like, I’ve split my lip trying to get one more kernel laughter It’s true. In my dumb mouth. It is true. laughing hard And so that’s what happened. If you Google me, it’ll be And II look like her, actually. I look like her if she were stung by a million bees.
Laughter It’s true! I look like her if she were, like, becoming the Hulk. That’s laughter And sheyou know, she wanted to be friends, and I’m like, I can’t. I can’t. We don’t have we’re not the same thing. Like she was telling me hot people problems, you know. She’s like, He won’t stop calling. And I’m like, whine, I hate that. laughter Do you eat popcorn like that, though Are you a popcorn lover Yeah, I do. And I eat it exactly like that. Right Yes. I mean, that’s why.
I’m so annoyed I’m single again, so I’m going to have to start dating some guy, and we’ll go to the movies and he’ll be like, Do you want to get popcorn and I have to be like, Oh, I hadn’t even thought about it. laughter He’s like, What size and I’m like, giggles A small. Look at me. laughter Right, like a small popcorn That’s like taking one Advil. Like, get outta here. laughter GetI want a trough. And I want to dunk my head in it. Andand then, you know.
I’ll be pretending not to think about the popcorn. Hilarious. So when you say you’re gonna start dating again, that means that you’re are you dating at all No, I, um Well, I know everyone here is like, How do we date you Thank you. laughter laughter You can’t, and not just ’cause I’m not totally out of the woods with this UTI I have right now, but also laughter but also Thank you. laughter and applause Oh, my God. laughter and applause No, but I’m not on any dating websites.
I don’tI’m onI have one, like, app on my phone that’s kind of it’s called Foodspotting. laughter And it’s like Tinder, but for food, so, it lets me know Is this real This is totally real. It letsthey let you know about food in your area. So, like, this week in L.A., I was eyeing this one particular scone. And uh laughter Under a mile away. Coincidence Probably not. laughter So, I’m like, Should I go And my friends are like, Go! Like, check it out! So I went to the scone, and I kind of just sidled up to it,.